Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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