I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
