I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
