I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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