I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
