i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
