you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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