I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
As shirtless as possible
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize