Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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