i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
