forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize