Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
