that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
