he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
