like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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