Apparently you make a good broom.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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