honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
