I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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