Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think I died a long time ago.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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