My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
