and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
