whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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