my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
