Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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