Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
