she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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