My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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