...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
