Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
