i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize