Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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