Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
