I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
