The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
