go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
