I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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