It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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