I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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