Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
