I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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