happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my sisters under your porch take her home
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
