You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
