Your mouth is God's brothel.
Soap is not a condiment
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
