I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
