I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
