i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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