My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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