you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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