It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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