It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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