well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
