Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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