The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
