I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
